Dating a bad listener

New merch: Help, my boyfriend is a bad listener! June 25, I've been with my boyfriend for 2. We have a good relationship on the whole, but most of the problems we DO have are squarely in the realm of "bad communication.

Dating a bad listener

In it, I broke down the structure of a good story and argued for its role in not just charisma, but in human connection itself. To me, story telling was essential. It was decided by some that rather than being good advice, this was instead detrimental, as it led people to blather on and reel off stories about themselves, without paying attention to anything the other person was saying.

So I put it to the back of mind and moved on. However, despite covering all of these topics, I have never once addressed the importance of listening itself — not just why you should do it, but how the different types of listening occur and how they affect your relationships and happiness itself. What I slowly came to realize is that these different types of listening all orbit around one single decision, a simple decision, that, as I will explain, has far flung consequences in our ability to connect with others, and have memorable interactions.

This is the appearance of listening; the simulation of it. In fact, the name I almost gave this was Simulated Listening. This is the most frequent form of listening that you get with heavily introverted people, people who have ADHD, people who are exhausted, and also, me. The chief negative of this problem is that it leaves you trapped within your head in conversation.

You might not have heard of this but it is an epidemic that has consumed the entire world. Usually important things like Facebook. In our age of smart phones, WhatsApp and Instagram, there is simply too much instant access stimulation to divide our attention — an attention that is crucial to understanding others and emotionally engaging with them I will get to this later. And that divided attention might make for short term enjoyment, but in the long run, your relationships will suffer.

That is, when they had a genuine concern or grievance, we were tasked with listening to them in order to spot it, pretend to empathize with it, and then connect it to what we were trying to sell them. Instead of listening to them for mutual enjoyment and mutual connection, we were listening to them in order to get something — in this case, their money.

The insecure guy desperately hangs on every word in order to say something that will make them like him; the guy trying to learn game frantically picks through her conversation to spot a moment to fake connection with her; the ambitious employee feigning interest to the boss in order to win approval, and maybe a promotion. Just as everyone has what they want, everyone falls into traps of using listening in order to get what they want.

The downfall of this is that whilst it can be beneficial in terms of potentially achieving things you may desire, it almost always comes at the cost of true connection with others. Not only is this something that is felt by the person you are interacting with, but it also comes at the cost of your own real connection. When we leverage conversation with others in order to get want, we cost ourselves the unique sparks of connection and spontaneity that true, organic conversations have.

As we go into an interaction knowing our outcome, in either achieving it or not, we inevitably end up learning very little about the other person, and as a result ourselves, in the process. This form of predatory listening is the most toxic as it is the easiest to consciously slip into. Where twin track listening and la la land have an element of the unconscious to them; predatory listening is a conscious decision to go forgo your own emotions and empathy in the place of your own desires.

At best, it gives you what you want, whilst leaving you with shallow, empty relationships. At worst, it gives you nothing at all. In the truest, most real conversation you will have, you will be more focused on the other person than anything else. The other person. Because it is within this focus, that you can truly listen and hear what the other person is saying, what the other person is feeling and who the other person is, and as a result connect on a deep and meaningful level.

When we listen to what the person is saying, we hear what it is they are trying are trying to say. When we listen to their tone and pay attention to their body language, we begin to see what feeling they might be hiding. The logic for this is simple. When we feel what someone else feels, they feel safe. When we hear what someone else is saying, they feel heard.

And all of this makes them feel better. It makes you feel better. One of the backward ways people look at conversation is they spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what they want to say, and what they want to get across, rather than investing focus on the other person in the conversation. This is present in every type of listening except for Real Listening. What am I thinking? How do I avoid getting found out?

What do I need to say? How do I keep this person entertained whilst I look at what I want? How do I mask my intentions? When the focus is on ourselves, not only does our listening suffer, but as a result, so too does our charisma, our connection, and ultimately, our happiness. Just as our ability to listen is destroyed by focusing our attention on ourselves, it is just easily bolstered by focusing it on them. You choose to not listen to your thoughts.

You choose to not listen to distractions. You choose to stop focusing on what you want. You look them in the eye. You turn your body towards them. You give them your focus, your attention and you listen. Liked this article? Help me make an impact, and share it on social media. Just click one of the icons at the bottom or top of the page. Yeah, I know. But this is important. I made a dating course. Like, a really big dating course.

It covers everything you need to know from making yourself more attractive, building sexual confidence, having great dates, and finding the right women for you. So stop listening to me and check it out for yourself. Your e-mail address will not be published. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. But there were some who disagreed. Or at least, I tried to. You are in a conversation with someone, but rather than listening to them, you are in fact listening deeply to whatever idea, thought or daydream that is currently engaging your brain. So intensely are you listening to this neural activity, that you cannot even hear what the person is saying.

In order to keep the actual conversation going in real life usually for no other reason than basic social decorum , you adopt the appearance and mannerisms of someone who is engaged, listening and interested. Which one do you think is actually worth focusing on? Are either something you really want? They each involve focus. This focus is subdivided as follows: Listening — through focused attention: What is being said?

Feeling — through empathy: What is this person feeling? The reason we focus on these is twofold: We will easily detect if someone is not listening to us, for any of the reasons listed earlier. If they are genuine, we will very easily connect with who they are and how they feel. Directed focus. Which one sounds more interesting to you? Share this: Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your e-mail address will not be published.

Bad listeners happen to good women. By Ben Schrank Dating · Relationships · Marriage. ( I don't believe that being a good listener comes naturally -- I think it's a skill, and I look forward to getting better at it. I've been with my boyfriend for years. We have a good relationship on the whole, but most of the problems we DO have are squarely in the.

But listening is so much more than hearing. Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. Effective listening offers you many benefits, and encourages the speaker to feel valued as well. Being a good listener is important for a number of reasons. Good listening connects you to the world around you and helps you understand your responsibilities.

It makes me feel safe and at ease. This is a big one for me.

You're talking and talking — and he's sitting there, tuning out. Is there any way to make things better?

The One Thing Every Bad Listener Has in Common – and How to Fix It

Whether your colleagues interrupt you, ramble on, or seem distracted, the impact is the same: There are, however, ways you can encourage your colleagues to listen better. First, consider their work styles. Ask them how they like to receive information. Some people are visual; others are verbal.

4 mistakes that make you a bad listener

Tags conversation , idea , shredding gloves , bad listener , dumb idea. View Transcript. Hold that thought until I put on my idea-shredding gloves. My idea is that You're a bad listener. Tell me more about your dumb idea. Tags cat show , clothing , date , good listener , mindless replica , uninteresting stories. A female coworker asks Dilbert, "Would it be okay if I asked your mindless replica for a date? The coworker says, "Now I'll describe the clothing of each person at the cat show. Tags good ideas , suffer your ideas , good listener.

Body language and unspoken attraction are some of the most fun parts at the start of a relationship.

In it, I broke down the structure of a good story and argued for its role in not just charisma, but in human connection itself. To me, story telling was essential.

Dating a bad listener

Today on the Bad Girl's Bible we a joined by a very special listener named Jaime, who is here to tell us about how her and her husband turned their marriage around after some very tough times. Early into their new marriage, Jaime's husband started to experience some pretty serious health challenges and after his diagnosis and medical prescriptions became increasingly moody and difficult to be around. This, in conjunction with Jaime's own health and anxiety issues, led to a very difficult time, emotionally and in the bedroom. It took a few drastic changes that happened around the time of a mortal scare for her husband to take the relationship back to a healthy place and into territory that Jaime never even dreamed of. Jaime takes us through their complete history, early dates and the proposal before getting into the troubled period. She talks about how different things are now and the difference in connection she feels when they make love. For all this and much more, be sure to join us today! The first day that her and her future husband met. Proposal, the wedding and the early days of marriage. Jaime's husband's health problems and the first diagnosis. How the medication affected her husband's moods and their relationship. Jaime's own health problems that she was experiencing at the same time.

Couples Rx: How to improve a man's listening skills

Good listening skills are vital to any relationship in your life. The bottom line is: Those people who are lucky enough to have a partner, boss, friend, etc. Good listeners encourage communication rather than squash it. The intimacy level is often much higher with people who know how to listen well. Many people, however, are not good listeners. In fact, many people are terrible at listening.

Articles urge us to stop talking when someone speaks, to use our body language effectively to encourage the other guy, and to work to understand what is meant as well as what is said. Yet despite all that, developing good listening skills continues to be a challenge for some people. But at least some people some of the time find it equally useful to have the negative pointed out and explained. They want guidelines for what not to do. So here are eight ways that lousy listeners louse up communication and probably louse up their relationships. Some or all of the eight habits are likely to kick in as soon as you broach the subject.

Her boss didn't say "Thank you" once, the intern screwed up her lunch order, and she didn't realize until 4 p. According to Adam McHugh, however, there's a pretty good chance you're doing it all wrong. McHugh is the author of "The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction," in which he outlines a dozen traps people can fall into if they don't approach listening in the right way. One of those is what McHugh calls "The Password. Here's how he describes it:

Rendered by PID on r2-appdcb3a90b at You say dating a bad listener something like, I can hardly wait to tell you about my trip to the Grand Canyon. Lousy listeners are quick to offer advice, even when it hasnt been asked for. And I think we'll both be aware that listening is as important an act as telling, that both acts are vital, and utterly revealing. I believed that I was listening. Connecting one-on-one is much more meaningful than being a crowd pleaser. When the interviewer asked that question what he really wanted to know was:


How To Be A Good Listener
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