Sober dating a drinker
It was a refreshing break from my last few first dates, all of which took place in the shadowy glow of dive bars around town. On those dates, the routine was to immediately order drinks and watch the night descend into a blur. I immediately felt my stomach sink a little bit. I very much enjoy a brunch-time mimosa especially those bottomless babies and a few gin and tonics on the weekends. Drinking, while not integral to my life, is a social and recreational activity I do partake in once a week or so. I like tasting new beers and cocktails.
Should I Date Someone Who’s Sober if I’m a Social Drinker?
I'm 34 years old and in my 10th year of recovery in a step fellowship. I separated from my wife about six months ago and we have a 4-year-old son. I recently reconnected with a woman I met in the aforementioned fellowship just under 10 years ago. We had a lot of fun back then as friends and even stuck our toes in the water of romance for a bit but it did not last.
We have been seeing each other for about three months now but with our previous history things have progressed quickly. I care for her a lot and we really are a good fit together. The thing that scares me is that she is no longer clean and sober. She used drugs and alcohol a lot in her past obviously enough to wind up in step meetings but for the past four to five years has been a social drinker and has no interest in getting high or even getting drunk.
She has a good job and is buying a house and is very responsible in dealing with her life and her son. She says that she made mistakes and had poor judgment but is not an addict and she certainly does not seem like one. My fear is that being in a relationship with someone who used to come to meetings but now does not will be dangerous for me, leading me to end up thinking at some future point that I am not an addict, but I am like her and can use "successfully.
I used and used and used all day every day until my resources and friends were gone. I love her very much and feel so comfortable with her in every way except this area. I have to acknowledge that part of my fear is revealing this information to my sponsor and family and recovery network because from a strict step view, many would call her "in relapse" and a danger to me and my recovery. I don't know if she is or not -- I spend several nights a week with my parents at their house and my dad drinks a glass of wine or a couple of beers and it does not bother me a bit.
I wonder if this discomfort with her situation is because it's new and different or if it's because it's outside of this paradigm that I've been a part of for a decade. I'm desperate to know the right thing to do because of how strongly I feel for her and how much I want it to work, but also because of being a single dad and how much I have at stake here. Here is what I see: You are hiding this situation from your sponsor and the group.
I suggest you talk to the group and talk to your sponsor and say here's what's going on in my life. She's not going to make you drink. But if you stop doing the program in order to keep your relationship with her a secret, then you have a problem. You know what works. You've been 10 years at this. Any problem that arises, you treat it the same. You talk about it with somebody. You look at it. You ask what is your part. You write about it.
You meditate. You ask for guidance. You walk through it. If you can't talk to your sponsor about it, then talk to somebody else. It's not whom you talk to. It's the fact that you talk to somebody. As to your questions about her status, I would say this: Are we so wise that we can know who should drink and who should not? Just because she came to some meetings at some point in her life, does that mean she is an alcoholic?
How can we know that? It could be that these days step programs actually attract a number of people who enjoy the fellowship and the structure but are not indeed addicts or alcoholics. After all, as other social support systems such as church, family, workplace, neighborhood, unions, social clubs, school and the like wither, it would make sense that some people would be attracted to step meetings, especially at times of crisis.
People are cheerful there. There is often an atmosphere of hope and joy. It's a place where everybody knows your name but it's not a bar called Cheers. And here is the other part of that: For the good of the step tradition, isn't it important for people to be able to wander in and wander out of meetings without being labeled as this or that? I would ask, How is her life going today? If her life is going fine, then her life is going fine. If she is not having problems with alcohol, then she is not having problems with alcohol.
The fear sometimes arises that by association with a person who drinks we ourselves will turn to drink. We are cautious. We do not want to put ourselves into situations that might lead us to drink. It's sensible to be cautious. It's sensible to have practices that keep us from that first drink. But in the same way that no human power could relieve us of our alcoholism, no human power can make us drink, either. So my advice to you, my friend, is to deal with this situation in the same forthright, thoughtful way that you deal with other problems that come up.
Talk to your sponsor about it. Talk with the group. If your sponsor takes a hard line, so be it. Your sponsor is not your boss. Your sponsor is just someone who's volunteered to give you some one-on-one help with the program. As to your prospects for a happy life together: Anything can work. Recovery gives us the ability to handle anything that arises with serenity and dignity and compassion.
But we recognize that certain situations are dangerous, that we should be cautious and thoughtful about the situations we place ourselves in, and that we should check in with others when we are feeling doubtful. Which, apparently, you just did. Except I'm just a guy on the Internet. I suggest you do the same thing with the people who are actually in your life.
You know the ones. Go talk to them. Buy Now, Pay Later. Already a Subscriber? Log In Here. Please sign in with Facebook or Google below: If you have an older Salon account, please enter your username and password below: Log Out. I'm sober and dating a drinker She was once in the program but says she's got no problem.
Can that be true? Trending Articles.
“If you're talking about someone with good sobriety dating someone who is a casual or responsible drinker, there isn't necessarily a problem,”. Here are a few tips for dating someone who drinks when you are in recovery. As someone who has never had a problem with alcohol, my boyfriend sometimes struggles to fully grasp what being sober is like. There’s no instruction manual when it comes to being sober and having a.
As with any and all relationships, good communication is absolutely vital. Your love life can get even more complicated after getting sober — and more complicated still if you start dating someone who still drinks. Yes, if you want to. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
Every relationship demands compromises:
Dating is hard, and finding your potential suitor via a dating app is sometimes even harder In fact, 73 percent of daters who are regular boozers prefer going out for drinks on a first date—46 percent because it's easy and less formal, and 27 percent because it's a good way to let your guard down and have a conversation according to Zoosk. So what happens when you live that soberlifestyle?
The Challenges of Dating Non-Sober People
Pin It. Maybe your skin looked so dang good after Sober January you decided to just roll with it for as long as you could keep up the willpower. And feeling loose and relaxed is important when trying to decide if you would ma-a-a-a-ybe consider spending the rest of your life with the stranger sitting across from you in the first hour of knowing them what? You want to act as confidently with your date as if you just polished off a courage-boosting shot of whiskey before leaving the house. Whatever the reason, at some point along the way, you decided, Drinking a lcohol is not for me.
Should I Date Someone Who’s Sober if I’m a Social Drinker?
Dating a dude that's sober like, full-blown, step kind can be a challenge. But even if you can't live without your happy hours, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, according to a guy who has sworn off booze. Ron, 32, has been sober for 17 months. But it's not easy being the soda drinker in a party of two. He admits while women seem on board with dating someone who doesn't drink, they don't always know what they are getting themselves into. But he also confesses that he's not okay with dating a big drinker. According to Ron, the longer you're sober, the less weird you feel about not drinking when everyone else is. First, "remember that we are always sober," he says. So if you've knocked back a bunch with your girls and then visit your sober guy, he's going to remember all the crazy, wacked-out stuff you say. And even if it's super cute obvi , he's probably not going to be into it.
This is where our best sober dating sites come in.
A substance abuse problem changes the way a person looks at the world, and treatment does much the same thing. When it comes to relationships, the realities and rules of abstinence after addiction become all the starker.
Guide to Sober Dating
While some are in recovery, an increasing number of women are going sober as a wellness and lifestyle choice. Still, there's something daunting about the idea of dating without cocktails—for better or worse, booze can be an ally when it comes to awkward moments. The good news: Dating while sober can be just as good, something I found out firsthand when I gave up drinking and continued going out. Read on for my takeaways and lessons that anyone—even those looking to take a break from drinking—can learn from. When I first got sober, I felt like everything revolved around drinks—after work, on the weekends, and especially during dates. Go to a museum. A good tip: Try to get to know some date-friendly coffee shops, juice bars, or cafes with evening hours. Being upfront is key.
What It's Like to Date and Not Drink
Want to share yours? I was 18 and squished as far into one side of the couch as I could go. He was on the other side, with the door closed, and one full bottle of vodka, a half-empty bottle of tequila missing a lid, and mismatched shot glasses piled on the nightstand. Imagine my surprise when I arrived and discovered it was just the two of us… and all his booze. He poured me a glass of straight vodka.
Advice on Dating a Sober Guy (From a Sober Guy)
There are a million different reasons a person might choose not to drink alcohol, and every single one of those are valid. Still, alcohol plays a very big role in dating culture, and those who don't partake in a couple cocktails are presented with a unique set of challenges in the quest to meet someone special. Dating while sober may feel exponentially more difficult, but it can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Nothing feels more empowering than living a life true to your values or needs — and being unapologetically yourself. We are living in a cultural moment where meeting someone through a dating app is more likely than trying your luck in the wild. Even though the smartphone is, for many, replacing the bar, the ritual of meeting for a drink is still deeply embedded in dating routines.
The Truth About Dating Someone Who’s Sober When You’re Not
The dating world is a tough one. No matter what age you are, teen, young adult or older, getting out there and meeting a great person is hard. With social media, dating websites and other online options, the "art" of dating as changed drastically in the last decade. For those that aren't sure where to start, it can be quite frightening. If you have a loved who is drinking too much, call Legacy.
Signs You're Dating an Alcoholic
Dating someone sober and looking for a few tips on how to have a discussion around alcohol? I spoke to two experts about how to initiate the conversation and why having empathy is crucial. Showing empathy by listening is the best approach when someone informs you of their sobriety. And often times, that can spark a larger conversation, dating coach Connell Barrett added. We talked for about 20 minutes about where and how she got to that point.
Before I got sober, the idea of going on a date and not having several drinks was nonexistent. I spent more time figuring out how to get maximum drinks out of the experience and still look like a lady than I did paying attention to him. Do I suggest a bottle of wine? Do I sneak to the bar and do a shot on my way back from the bathroom? When I inevitably got sober, the idea of navigating a date without liquid courage and sex without lubricant pun intended was my nightmare. People in Recovery. I cannot emphasize this enough.10 Surprising Things That Happened When I Quit Drinking Alcohol