Divorced dad with custody dating
Thank you for all of your clear and concise thoughts over the last few years. I have definitely taken things to heart: Where I am stuck, is that this advice seems to be geared towards men who are childless and never divorced. I have been dating a wonderful man for about four months now.
24 Unexpected Things That Happen When You Date A Single Dad
A startling confession from his wife while out with friends angered Doug Zeigler enough to explore the stereotype of men who are divorced and have kids. After a few cocktails, a friend of my wife's who had begun dating again after divorce made what she thought was a fairly innocuous comment: She has children, so naturally that is a large part of her assessment of the dating pool.
One man she really liked was not someone she thought would be a great influence on her kids. Not that he would be a negative one, but not overwhelmingly positive. That is what spurred her comment. After stifling an eye roll, I said that I thought that "nice" was subjective, because what one woman might think is a nice gesture or approach, another woman may find offensive.
Same with men. When my wife and her friend started talking about finding someone who is a good fit for your kids, I heard this from the woman I married: Her answer startled me and even angered me a bit. I wasn't angry at her exactly, but at the stereotype she shared that her friend completely understood without an explanation. According to this mindset, men who do not have their children full-time are not single fathers. They are considered divorced dads.
Single fathers are those that care for their children full-time and "understand" what a single mother contends with on the day-to-day as a result. Divorced dads are men who have their children every other weekend and have all kinds of freedom in between, and as such do not act like fathers during that time. They don't always consider the time they have outside having their children at all intersecting with the time they spend with their kids, which makes them seem irresponsible.
That was my summation of what she said, understand. Her explanation was more eloquent, but no less astounding -- and denigrating, in my opinion, considering I only get my sons every weekend as per my custody agreement. I waited until we were on our way home so I could calm down a bit, but I had to ask. I had to know. Realizing that I may have been offended by that, she sheepishly replied, "Yes Let me just say that I never considered myself less than a single father when I was single. I found her notion that men who don't have their kids full-time are somehow less of a father than ones that do to be abhorrent.
The question is: I asked a swath of friends what their opinion was and it was largely in line with what my wife and her friend thought. I could see that this was a not just a case of me being overly-sensitive to the plight of divorced dads with kids, but rather a perception that was widely held. I turned to that savior of information, the Internet. According to census.
That is a massive jump in numbers, to be certain, yet the stereotype that men who do not have their children all the time are not equal to the men who do persists. A salient view of this issue could be found in an article on attorneys. There are many reasons why women win custody in the overwhelming number of cases. Chief among them: Because that's the way it's always been. Traditionally, men worked and women stayed home to raise children. Although that is less frequently the case these days, there is still a bias toward women in child custody cases.
From a biological perspective, we are more inclined to think of the mother-child relationship than the father-child relationship. Many people make the automatic assumption that women are more nurturing as parents than men. Add to it the growing number of stay-at-home fathers and it's pretty clear: So how can we get past this bias? I fear it's not that simple.
This is part of our culture. Just take a look at all the nostalgia for "the good old days," comprised of the idea of a nuclear family, complete with the Ward Cleaver-esque father heading off to work while June stays home to care for the house and the kids. However, our culture has shifted and changed, and that highly specialized view of the ideal family just doesn't suit anymore. Then, there is this idea that women are better nurturers than men, ergo, better parents.
I can recall hearing my attorney say this to me when I filed for divorce: It just doesn't happen unless the woman is a drug addict, a danger to your kids or a mental patient. You'll be in the minority if you get more than every other weekend with your sons. My advice would be to do all you can to keep her happy, so that she'll be easier to deal with when it comes to custody.
And boy, did I ever take that advice to heart. I was scared to death I would only be allowed to see my sons four days a month. I bent over backwards and gave up many things naively because I feared the worst. In the end, I was lucky I was able to have my sons every weekend and have dinner with them during the week. My agreement is seen as a victory even by my attorney's standards. I'm certainly thankful I get that much time because it could have easily been worse. That is what is frustrating for me.
I am viewing this as a man who has sacrificed to maintain a connection to his children. I realize there is a whole other side of this argument from a female perspective. My wife voiced how it wasn't her intent to judge single fathers or to be overly critical. Instead, she viewed it as a cautious measure when considering who she, as a single mother, chose to date. She admitted she felt tremendous gravity in her serious dating relationships to weigh what "kind" of father those men would be around her children.
Some were classified as "divorced dads" and did not make the cut to even be around her daughters. I can empathize with her explanation, because I was very choosy about who my kids would meet too. The difference is that I didn't assume the worst. That doesn't make her protective stance with her daughters wrong, just a different approach. I guess I just find it sad that societally, we assume the worst when it comes to men and fatherhood, especially in the case of custody.
I do believe that with time, we can prove that we can be and ARE great parents in our own right and eradicate the stereotypes. The onus is on us, men. We need to own our fatherhood and show how marvelous we all are at being "just" a dad, and that makes us great fathers, too. This originally appeared on The Good Men Project. Real Life. Real News. Real Voices. Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard.
News Politics Entertainment Communities. HuffPost Personal Videos Horoscopes. Part of HuffPost News. All rights reserved. Skip to Article. I'm not ashamed to admit this dumbfounded me. Suggest a correction. Doug Zeigler, Contributor Contributor. Owed Taxes This Year? A weekly guide to improving all of the relationships in your life.
Even obligations to themselves, for say exercise, dating, taking Your man, your divorced dad, is lucky to have someone so understanding. . his ex wife; he was so scared that he would lose custody of his son altogether. Of those men, 44 percent were divorced dads and one out of every six had primary custody. If your potential partner is one of these divorced custodial dads, .
He looks forward to us spending time together and we get along great. I feel really comfortable with him. Like I can be myself. There are just MORE who are single dads. Because single dads have a very valid built-in excuse for why their limited attention is all they can give.
There is maybe no more difficult challenge to a father than finding himself a divorced dad and no longer living with the kids. It is as devastating an experience as I know of.
This is what people mean when they say "it's a package deal. These days, with the divorce rate hovering close to 50 percent, the likelihood of dating a single dad is pretty high. Each divorced dad is different, and you may find one you really connect with.
10 Guidelines For Dating A Divorced Dad
April 30, Soap operas, Novelas, Dramas — call them what you want they strike a chord. One thing you may not realize about me is that I am a big sucker for South Korean dramas. Not to lump a whole race into some kind of stereotype but for some reason they know how to weave a story. This particular one is an oldie.
Dating After Divorce and Finding My Inner DILF
The divorced dad dating is an interesting guy. Aside from the trauma he has been through in divorce, the divorced dad dating, in my opinion typically lacks self-confidence, and self-assuredness. This is usually because he is trying to work, raise his children now as a single parent, run his household alone, and attempt to find love again, and the overwhelmingness of the change can feel difficult and exhausting. What the divorced dad sometimes fails to realize is that he is sexy and well-respected by the divorced or single woman. There is nothing better than to watch a divorced dad with his children, and loving and caring for them. This email came from a 42 year-old divorced dad dating who shares custody of his 10 year-old daughter. I thought it was interesting how he categorized his dating challenges according to the ages of the women he has met:. OK, so first of all, I had my first child at I know that is on the older side, but I know countless women who started having children in their early to mid thirties. I think every person has his or her unique story, which includes when they met someone, fell in love and had a child or more.
A few years ago, I started cracking jokes regularly about hot dads. Then when I met a charming, handsome dude with good taste in music and tacos at a secret Santa vinyl swap party last winter, I started dating one.
I have a 4-year old daughter. Almost any potential mate can handle a child that is not their own coming to visit four days a month. Hell, once they can eat and get dressed on their own, they can practically babysit themselves, right?
Challenges Of The Divorced Dad Dating
You might be thinking: This process is going to take exactly as much time as it will take, and not a moment less. A friend once told me something that changed my perspective: That clear and simple explanation cracked everything wide open for me. His kids are just scared. They are just scared. You get to decide to make his life easier. Sometimes when parenting duties push me off the docket, I can see in his eyes how torn up he feels—how much he hates disappointing me but has no choice. When I am my better self and I see that look in his eyes, I give him a kiss, tell him I love him, and go on my way. I am not always my better self. Keep your life full of things that are only yours, that have nothing to do with who you are as a girlfriend. See your friends, take yourself to a movie, catch up on some work, or just be by yourself and breathe.
Modern Dating: The Single Dad with primary custody
In , the U. Census Bureau estimated that there were 1. Of those men, 44 percent were divorced dads and one out of every six had primary custody. If your potential partner is one of these divorced custodial dads, you'll need to contend with issues that go above and beyond the typical dating scenarios, such as his family's dynamics, scheduling conflicts and his children's feelings about you. Although eventually, if things get serious, you may become one blended family, during the initial dating period you aren't yet at the stepmom stage.
In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules
Red Flags, we like to call them. And perhaps our unfinished healing might keep us from starting the dating process again. I will admit that getting back out there, for me, as a man, initially was about sex. Today, I think sex can get in the way of learning if you like the person. Get to know if you like talking to, as well as looking at your potential partner. But if you slow the drive to the bedroom you might avoid getting mixed up in something purely physical.
Divorced Dad Dating
Single Parent Dating is different. If you are looking for dating and relationship advice; SingleDad is your resource for the divorced dad dating. Hi, my name is Jim and I just turned 40 this January. I am a single dad with full custody of my two sons who are 14 and 8. I lived with their mom for 4 years and then we were married for nearly 12, the last 2 of which we were separated. I have been the sole caretaker of the boys for about 4 years now.
A woman responded to one of my Single Dad Want posts with a very moving and impassioned comment. See the comments And as I was writing the response I realized I was beginning to write the next post about relationships. So I moved it here, as a post. Lucky, I really like your comment. Your man, your divorced dad, is lucky to have someone so understanding. There are plenty of single parents who use their kids to get out of almost every obligation. Even obligations to themselves, for say… exercise, dating, taking responsibility for their own actions.
The other night, I was out at a dinner for two — it was a great evening, with adult conversation, laughs, and good wine. My dumbfounded look must have lasted long enough to give away my purity. She teased me and asked if I knew what it meant. And here I thought the evening was going well! Then a light bulb turned on. My current state of life as a half-time, custody-sharing dad is exactly where I want to be right now.When Dating a Single Parent, You MUST Follow This Rule